What I do and Why I do it...

The beginning. A good place to start if I could find it.

It seems as I get older that more and more of where I was and what I did eludes me - from time to time I have these moments, feeling like when you wake up in the middle of the night and forget where you are. Those 5 seconds of unfamiliarity and displacement until you remember "Yes I am in my bed, these are my sheets, this is my room. Ok, back to sleep." Except for me it is a lucid awareness of my presence and existence. Climbing a staircase, sitting outside, driving - I might have this experience. I realize I exist and that all that is Chris has come to this one moment of being.

But what brought me here? It's as though the last twenty two years have been culminating to this point, and now that it has come I am at a lack for understanding. Causality blurs and have a tranquil moment of awareness, unification, zen being. In this state I merely exist within my own head - the last 22 years and 13.6 billion before all seem arbitrary points. Such solipsistic escapes inevitably lead to a loss of my sense of self - a dissolution of connectedness with spatial and temporal events.

It comes with no small amount of anxiety and cosmic angst that everything I do here is all trivial, that the cultivation of my mind and collective experiences that manifest as personality might have no context or framework for my understanding. I might wake up and not know where I am.

So I keep notes. I draw and write to help me remember where I was, what I felt, how I saw the world. I look back at the sketch books, loose leaflets, Moleskin journals, Post-It notes, and receipts - each a fragment of expression tying me back to a time, place, and state of presence. I want to share the fragments of my conscious processes with others, so here we are.

At the beginning.